It's odd to feel inadequate. Maybe that's not the word. Completely ignored? That's more like it.

I just feel like people aren't hearing me. I say something and they just brush it off. I might have a fantastic idea, and it's not considered. I get an "OK" and then it's thrown into the heap of other worthless garbage.

I'm not used to that. I'm used to people taking my ideas seriously because they respect me and my opinions. Somehow I've managed to be considered below other people, which does not compute. Because I know it's not true.

And somehow everything I believe has become a joke, or meaningless I guess, to people. Just because I'm not extreme all the time doesn't mean my beliefs are below yours. On the contrary, I'm usually more extreme than you, but I know that I'm not going to get that at first.

People don't know how to play the game. They think they do, but it ends up being that the game to them is getting whatever they want at whatever cost and just expecting it to happen. No work, no cajoling, no compromise. That's not how life works. And even when you have to go through shady means to get things done, people have forgotten the art of being undercover. You don't talk about things in the open, you don't just expect people to follow you. You have to do things differently, but don't listen to me because I'm obviously wrong.

I don't think people realize how much of a sneaky bitch I can be. I think people need to be schooled in that area. Maybe then people will begin to listen and respect me.

They may think they're on top but they've never dealt with an angry me before. Be ready to be destroyed.

I'm proud of myself for having the patience to tweeze the beginnings of my unibrow. Usually I just get annoyed and stop but I stuck it out and finished in under 2 minutes, haha. It wasn't bad, but I was bored and figured it could be done, so why not?

Life is busy, and I'm not liking it. Summer is one month away but who knows when I'll be able to relax when that starts. After 3 weeks in Europe, a possible internship, the NEED for a job, and life in general, I don't think relaxing is in the cards.

I love that instead on focusing on the right now, I always manage to think about the future. What am I doing next summer? Either staying here or going to DC, is the plan. Going home doesn't seem feasible for what I want to do. What am I going after graduation? Working, Teach for America, Peace Corps, AmeriCorps? I don't know. I have no fucking clue. And that kills me a little.

brr my feet are cold. It's a tad chilly in here because I had the window open. But it's so nice out, how could you not?

OK peace out for another 40 some days.

seeyas.

--jana.x